A Stock Joke is a little quip or reusable saying that can be applied to many situations without having to be actually very clever or contextually appropriate. The most common ones include “That’s what she said.” Or “That’s what your mom said last night.” Let’s examine situations of where those jokes are usually delivered.
John is indicating a piece of stale bread that’s been left out on a counter for over a week. He remarks about its condition, “It’s so hard!” Clever and witty as usual, his buddy could say either, “That’s what she said!” or “ That’s what your mom said last night.” Get it?! Hilarious, I know. While you read this sentence I guarantee that there are dozens, if not hundreds or thousands, of people saying that phrase RIGHT NOW all over the globe.
I want to broaden this scope of humor-lacking go-to remarks to allow for a larger variety of applicable situations in which they could be delivered. One of my current favorite’s is “That’s what they used to call me in college.” This phrase can be used with far more obscure lead-ins and provide much more interesting and confusing results. Let’s take a look.
John is indicating a plate in the sink that is covered in detritus from breakfast. He remarks, “This is so fucking hard to clean. It’s completely covered in sticky bacon fat.” One could respond here with, “That’s what they used to call me in college!” John might look quizzical and say, “They used to call you Sticky-Bacon-Fat? Why? And wait a second, aren’t you still in college?” They are confused, and you are satisfied with your correct application of the stock joke. Try it sometime.
Abstract Satisfaction Points : 5.
“That’s actually the only way I can get hard.” This joke requires clever and bizarre applications that test how inappropriate opportunities one can muster. Higher imaginary points are awarded for more offensive and taboo projections of fetishism. Examples:
I am walking with my buddy Wyatt downtown and we see a little girl in a swimsuit bawling her eyes out next to the fountains. She has scuffed up knees and is hobbling and screaming towards her mother. Wyatt says, “Jesus, poor kid.” Opportunity arises. “Actually, that is the only thing that can get me hard.”
Taboo Points: 10.
Generally Fucked Up Points: 23.
Brittany is riding shotgun in my car when she notices a vastly overweight woman driving down the street but actually pushing her electric scooter along with her left leg. It seems to be running low on batteries. I don’t imagine that under such immense gravitational pulls that any battery could hold on long. Or perhaps she was on a road trip. Brittany gasps and says, “Oh my god… That is so sad.”
Noticing my opportunity, I can shrug and say, “Actually, that’s the only way I can get hard.”
Taboo Points: 15.
Generally Fucked Up Points: 45.
The points are stacking.
I’d like to divulge from the topic to wander on a different tangent. It’s the lamest super-hero power idea, but I’d still choose it if I got to choose one. I would want to know the statistics of everything. If I wanted to know how many cigarettes any given person has smoked in their life-time, I would know it. I could even maybe summon up holographically projected graphs. If I wanted to know how many times I’ve taken a shit, how many beers I’ve drank, how many times I’ve masturbated, or how many beers I’ve drank while masturbating, I would know it. Anything. Lastly, I would want to know how many points I’ve accumulated and for what in assorted mind games that I award myself points based on a completely arbitrary scale.
The last of my three prepared responses to situational dialogue involves opportunities that arise only when someone around you says something grossly inappropriate and it is necessary to one-up them in taboo.
Jack says, “Man, at this party I only have one goal. Find a semi-attractive chick with low self esteem and get my dick wet.”
Generally Fucked Up Points: 25.
Opportunity.
I can now respond, “God, you sound just like my mother.”
Taboo Points: 30.
One-Upping an Inappropriate Statement Points : x5 Base Point Score (25) = 125 Points.
You see how these points can add up and I want to know how many points I’ve got.
In conclusion, I would like to leave you with an activity that doesn’t necessarily generate points but definitely eliminates some elements of boredom. This activity requires a cell phone with texting capability and two simple steps.
1) Text an excessively sexual and dirty message to someone you might consider an acquaintance but not a close friend.
2) Wait 45 seconds and then respond with an embarrassed and explanatory message that the message was not meant for you, but instead a close family member.
Example:
Sent 11:42 am: Omg[1], I am so fucking hot for you right now, I am at work but I can’t stop touching myself thinking about you. I can’t wait until we can get some time alone so I could really show you what kind of man I am. I can’t wait to taste you again.
(Here one waits for approximately a minute before texting again.)
Sent 11:43 am: This is so embarrassing. Please ignore that last txt. It was totally meant for my nephew. Srry.
So get out there. Explore the world of stock jokes. Start keeping track of your imaginary points.
Live a little.
[1] A commonly texted acronym representing the phrase, “Oh my god.”
An expression of feigned disbelief, astonishment or incredulism.
No comments:
Post a Comment