My cousin was born Roland Wilkerson but he always felt that this name’s cumbersome and boring nature would impede on his ascension to greatness. He christened himself with a new moniker: one, he deemed, more befitting to his explosive personality—Tony Cannon.
Now I’ve got a small family—two generations thick—and just a handful of cousins. Tony is my only cousin older than myself; a mentor figure I guess you might say. He knew that he was cool, probably too cool not to be named Tony Cannon.
Once, after joining me on my paper route, which he ruined by throwing irretrievable copies onto balconies, but still looked cool when he decided that a teenager riding a teeny child’s bike in a construction hat and safety goggles was a cool looking thing to do, we spoke—bunkbed to bunkbed—on a very serious topic that I needed some knowledge on.
Kissing.
I guess maybe it was more a desire of preparation than a “need” because I was nine and wouldn’t be kissing anyone for a number of years. We were talking about Nintendo Gameboy vs. Sega Gamegear when there was a pause in the conversation.
“Tony, can I ask you something?” A masterful segue by me.
“Sure, fire away sire.” He says sire. Saying sire must be cool.
“How, exactly, is it that one might go about kissing?” Again, a masterful play.
Attempt At Transition To A Delicate Topic Points: 25.
“You’re asking the right person, kiddo. You see, through extensive and experimental research, I’ve devised an almost fool-proof set of instructions, step by step, that results in pleasurable and effective kissing.”
My silence beckons him. Do, please, go, on.
“Firstly you need to know that Positive Feel exists. Unfortunately the first and most difficult step, this cannot be taught in an orthodox educational manner. It’ll come with time.” He pauses here, introspectively, “Or it won’t.”
I cross my fingers.
Using Physical Actions To Influence The Outcome Of The Universe Points: 6.
“Upon determining the existence of the Positive Feel, one can proceed to the sequential steps. One: Make eye contact. If during a movie, where this happening is unlikely, it is maybe necessary to turn towards him or her…”
“Her.” My tone is that of resolution. I’ve only kissed boys so far.
Tony sighs before spitting out a clearly rehearsed string of words and repetition, “Life is full of possibilities and only a fool would judge another whose life decisions don’t harm anybody else and that includes harming others through harming yourself.”
A gem of knowledge escapes the boy who isn’t looking for gems but just panning for gold. I want instructions on the good stuff. My silence indicates that I am not interested in life knowledge of acceptance, but instead hanging on madly to the necessary procedure that will result in a successful make-out session with The Little Mermaid. My darling Ariel, we’ve only gotten to eye contact.
“Anyways,” he continues, “once eye contact is established, you begin. So two: Lean in towards her face. She’ll think you are going for her lips but you’ll be far more clever and sexy than that.”
I have no idea what sexy is.
“Ah! Two-point-five is you gotta be moving your hand to gently rest on the right side of her face. Her right. Not yours. Hand goes left. If she pulls away now, your shit is fucked.”
Shit is fucked?
“So, step three, and this all has to happen pretty fast, is that you slow the approach down as you get near her face. Gum is advisable. I’d recommend Spearmint. Or Wintergreen. Oooor Cinnamon, though the flavor doesn’t seem to last as long.” He pauses, thinking about flavors, then continues, “You tilt up, like a plane does right before landing, just ever so slight so that your nose gently brushes the surface of hers. Move your face opposite of your face-holding hand for this move. Run your nose, ever so slightly across her face, like a hovercraft. Don’t be sloppy here.”
Tony relaxes his face for a second. He’s gaining momentum.
“So you move across her face to the left side of her neck to plant your first kiss. Err, her right. Your left. Opposite the face-hand. You kiss once, pause slightly, twice, then inhale or exhale deeply or gently. Specifically, breathe out soft and suck in huge, but only suck in through your nose and breathe out your mouth. Careful there, it’s important. If the intensity of Positive Feel is great, a third kiss may, and should, be placed on the neck… and then!”
I feel that Tony is speaking far too many decibels points past the point of my parent’s tolerance of volume, but I think something like this is too loud and my left, her left, hands, my lips and say nothing.
“Then! Then you pull back slightly. You do it with a look like you can’t believe what you just did! At this point you need to have already stuck your tongue slightly out of one side of your mouth, either side, and bite it softly—while smiling! It’s a look. People like it. You weren’t able to not do it, you were compelled by unknown forces! That kind of look. Bashful, yet daring. Was it okay that just happened? That’s what you will both wonder, for a second only, and she’ll immediately let you know it was awesome. If it was. Let a beat drop here, then proceed. Don’t worry about necessarily focusing on only the lips. Her lips. Use yours. Target different locations, again and almost always, moving life a hovercraft around her face. When you kiss, be tender, make use of the different distances of your face to her face and how it can change kiss-power. Slip your tongue, never aggressively, into the front of her mouth, not the back, here and there.”
I will definitely not be putting my tongue into anyone’s mouth because I am sure that mouth’s taste disgusting, but I guess maybe less so if I am sharing my gum. I think at this point I know enough.
Tony continues, “Use your hands! Always be gentle because freaky bitches will let you know they’re freaky bitches but it’s never safe to assume so. Touch the side of their ribcage….don’t go straight for the tits or the other parts. You’ll get to them eventually if you play your cards right. So when you get there, to the tits, you need to know that they also require delicate attention—the gentlest of nibbles, sensual fondling, etc…”
Etcetera? What else can you do with tits?
“So, if the mood and the time is right for both of you, following these steps could definitely lead to some fucking.”
Fucking? I am fairly confident that I can’t get past the tits part if I am trying to seduce The Little Mermaid. I don’t ask regarding modification to the steps when considering the woman was half-fish. We then resumed talking about a far more important subject—videogames.
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